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HELLO KITTY KRUISERS (WIIU)
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Publisher: Bergsala Lightweight.
Developer: Scarab Entertainment. Released: March 2014. Genre: Racing. Other versions: SWI. Posted 18th September 2020. By Tom Clare © 2020 |
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Console exclusives sometimes get the thin end of the wedge, thanks in part to the increasingly tribal nature of fan bases and the hype drummed up around such titles. But there are upsides too. Now and then, such games take advantage of the hardware they’re focused towards, in ways third-party software doesn’t. Failing that, Hello Kitty Kruisers’ arrival on the Wii U in 2014 meant that, if you didn’t own said console, there was at least no danger of you wasting your money on this torrid racer.
It isn’t the worst game you’ll ever play. It’s also fair to assume that I don’t exactly fit plumb in the middle of its target demographic. Nevertheless, off the top of my head, it’s hard to think of a racing game with less design ambition or features by which to distinguish itself. What you’re left with is a very short, generic and lightweight take on the kart racer formula. Just as licensed games had finally started to shake the ‘cash-in’ stigma, Scarab Entertainment’s joyless racer rather served to reinforce it.
If only Hello Kitty Kruisers was as inviting as this carefully-timed screengrab suggests!
It’s clear from the moment you boot up Hello Kitty Kruisers that it’s going for the cute ‘n’ colourful, family-friendly vibe. It wasn’t the first, and certainly won’t be the last, game to ride the wave of a recent Mario Kart outing. It was never likely to top Nintendo’s cracker, but there’s always room for another kart racer, right?
Mario Kart 8 is admittedly a tough benchmark by which to be judged, but it’s also an ideal yardstick for a game aiming for a very similar experience and market. Unfortunately for HKK, it’s also a stark means of exposing all the areas in which it comes up short. For starters, Scarab’s effort offers an awful lot less in the way of content. There are fewer tracks, characters and karts. There are no difficulty options, and no speed classes, which is a problem given how ponderous the pace of the racing is. Where MK8 offers months of couch co-op, Hello Kitty Kruisers is good for no more than a couple of sittings.
Nintendo’s effort brought out the best in the Wii U with its gorgeous visuals and fantastic, high-resolution two-player split-screen mode. By contrast, HKK is dogged by the kind of bland textures and bright emptiness that typified Wii-era shovelware. Despite running small tracks at a very modest pace, it struggles to maintain a decent frame rate, with things coming especially unstuck on the hovercraft races, presumably because of a resource-heavy (and not especially attractive) water reflection effect.
Mario Kart 8 is admittedly a tough benchmark by which to be judged, but it’s also an ideal yardstick for a game aiming for a very similar experience and market. Unfortunately for HKK, it’s also a stark means of exposing all the areas in which it comes up short. For starters, Scarab’s effort offers an awful lot less in the way of content. There are fewer tracks, characters and karts. There are no difficulty options, and no speed classes, which is a problem given how ponderous the pace of the racing is. Where MK8 offers months of couch co-op, Hello Kitty Kruisers is good for no more than a couple of sittings.
Nintendo’s effort brought out the best in the Wii U with its gorgeous visuals and fantastic, high-resolution two-player split-screen mode. By contrast, HKK is dogged by the kind of bland textures and bright emptiness that typified Wii-era shovelware. Despite running small tracks at a very modest pace, it struggles to maintain a decent frame rate, with things coming especially unstuck on the hovercraft races, presumably because of a resource-heavy (and not especially attractive) water reflection effect.
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There’s no spark to the game, no hint of love for the brand. So much of it feels like filler. The Adventure mode is one of the least adventurous examples of its kind, depressing for its total lack of variety and imagination. Its twenty events consist entirely of driving around the featureless circuits alone, collecting apples and cupcakes, or passing through gates. Remove these generic placeholders and you’re left with some of the dullest time trials ever to feature in a game of this kind. You’ll clear the short, single-lap challenges with as much as fifteen seconds to spare. The completion of Adventure mode heralds absolutely no acknowledgement, whatsoever.
As well as Hello Kitty, there’s a bunch of rather more obscure, Sanrio-branded characters to choose from, including the rather endearing Chococat. But like the lame, uninteresting vehicles and their palette swaps, there’s no discernable individuality in terms of performance, no sense that these figures were ever intended to exist as more than an avatar within the game. Even taking into account the games sluggish pacing, the hovercraft tracks are blighted with such horrific, draggy handling that fans of Diddy Kong Racing will positively weep. The planes handle alright, though the ability to change elevation is rendered rather pointless by the lack of obstacles (but for some bridges on a later course) and the routes are so uniform, they end up playing just like the kart variants.
The handling model is really basic. It’s relatively responsive but so slow is the action, you’re rarely tasked with using the clumsy slide function, which comes lazily accompanied by a tyre-screech sound effect, even when piloting the hovercrafts. Track design represents a low point. To be inspired by Mario Kart is fine, but the Rainbow Road rip-off is egregious, and only serves as another unflattering comparison. It is difficult to think of another racer that’s blighted by such sparse, uneventful layouts. They’re absolute non-entities, with nothing memorable to the circuits whatsoever, whilst the lacklustre weapons and items fail utterly to inject any fun into proceedings.
As well as Hello Kitty, there’s a bunch of rather more obscure, Sanrio-branded characters to choose from, including the rather endearing Chococat. But like the lame, uninteresting vehicles and their palette swaps, there’s no discernable individuality in terms of performance, no sense that these figures were ever intended to exist as more than an avatar within the game. Even taking into account the games sluggish pacing, the hovercraft tracks are blighted with such horrific, draggy handling that fans of Diddy Kong Racing will positively weep. The planes handle alright, though the ability to change elevation is rendered rather pointless by the lack of obstacles (but for some bridges on a later course) and the routes are so uniform, they end up playing just like the kart variants.
The handling model is really basic. It’s relatively responsive but so slow is the action, you’re rarely tasked with using the clumsy slide function, which comes lazily accompanied by a tyre-screech sound effect, even when piloting the hovercrafts. Track design represents a low point. To be inspired by Mario Kart is fine, but the Rainbow Road rip-off is egregious, and only serves as another unflattering comparison. It is difficult to think of another racer that’s blighted by such sparse, uneventful layouts. They’re absolute non-entities, with nothing memorable to the circuits whatsoever, whilst the lacklustre weapons and items fail utterly to inject any fun into proceedings.
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Badtz-Maru the penguin looks as thrilled to be a part of Hello Kitty Kruisers as you will be to play it
Whilst the visuals and general presentation are well below average, there are a couple of nice scenic touches: character constellations on the Rainb- I mean, “Cosmic Way” track, a Hello Kitty Ferris wheel and a bunch of Sanrio-themed mascot statues. Sadly, these are few and far between. Perhaps the game’s one relative positive lies in its music. Bright, springy tunes give things a bit of pep and they’re well-suited to a kart racer targetted at a younger audience.
Inevitably, like nearly every other dodgy license with saccharine presentation and brand-recognisable characters, there’ll be the usual parental protestations of “well, it kept my Jimmy quiet for an afternoon!” or “my Lisa got weeks of fun out of it!”. You’re wrong: your kids simply preferred it to doing nothing and being bored. Do you think we didn’t notice the gulf between the likes of Crash Team Racing and Rascal Racers when we were growing up? Don’t be a bad parent: don’t convince yourself that any old crap will do because you believe your children aren’t clever enough to know any better. Youthful gamers deserve better, and most will see through this wholly underwhelming Mario Kart 8 counterfeit too.
Inevitably, like nearly every other dodgy license with saccharine presentation and brand-recognisable characters, there’ll be the usual parental protestations of “well, it kept my Jimmy quiet for an afternoon!” or “my Lisa got weeks of fun out of it!”. You’re wrong: your kids simply preferred it to doing nothing and being bored. Do you think we didn’t notice the gulf between the likes of Crash Team Racing and Rascal Racers when we were growing up? Don’t be a bad parent: don’t convince yourself that any old crap will do because you believe your children aren’t clever enough to know any better. Youthful gamers deserve better, and most will see through this wholly underwhelming Mario Kart 8 counterfeit too.
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VERDICT
"There’s no spark to Hello Kitty Kruisers, no hint of love for the brand. So much of it feels like filler. OVERALL: 3/10 |