Alan Passingham
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PIXEL HI-SCORE DUEL #1
MotorStorm RC (PS3)
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Tom Clare
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Alan:
Although he would unlikely admit it, Tom is quite the young whippersnapper when it comes to gaming. A child of the nineties he fully missed out on the Commodore 64 and everything associated with it, convinced that gaming only begun with the advent of the Mega Drive and SNES (I’m the evolutionary theorist to his barmy creationist). This includes Zzap64 - a legendary gaming magazine which featured a Domestos drinking, bio-mechanical alien called the Scorelord who frequently took pleasure in electrocuting the gonads of the simpleton staff writers for chuckles. Other than being permanently menacing to those in the surrounding Ludlow environment (and a short stint actually reviewing games) he was caretaker of the magazine's high score table and the Zzap Challenge. The Challenge was a feature that involved wiping the smug inane grins off the faces of Julian Rignall (yes, that Julian Rignall) and Robin Hogg by having readers challenge them in mortal combat via the medium of the joystick. If the reader somehow managed to defeat the magazines wily gamer staff they would leave with exalted salutations and a stack load of Newsfield freebies. Lose, and they would be ridiculed by the Scorelord in the next issue. He might also shave off their eyebrows for their failure. It was a bit like the stuff on GamesMaster, just less shit.
So, in a nod to features of old (not to mention the wholesale pillaging of an idea) The Pixel Empire has decided a revival of the Challenge would be a welcome addition to the site. The first duel would take place in-house between Tom Clare, editor-in-chief and slave driver of the Empire, and underpaid staff-writer and former male model Alan Passingham on the recent PS3 release of MotorStorm RC. The contest – which one of them can charge around three laps of the Lane Changer scenario in the fastest time. Victory for Tom would further assert his authority as Da Boss; defeat for me and licking the toilet bowl clean with my tongue would become just another menial task added to my ever-increasing workload. The challenge was set. Game time.
Tom:
Although he would unlikely admit it, Alan did a really poor job of cleaning the Pixel Toilet last time it was his turn (which is every time) and thus, a challenge was really the only way to put my underling in his rightful place. Admittedly, my infantile gaming knowledge did chiefly begin with a Mega Drive, but no matter! Al didn’t bank on two things.
One, the better part of my youth was spent thrashing lovingly outdated (and it must be said, mostly mediocre) PSone demos for the sake of beating scores in the latter days of the increasingly-bananas Official UK PlayStation Magazine. Admittedly, no Domestos was ever consumed and only some of the writers looked like they’d been subjected to a probing, but in an era where each month was greeted to a shrinking publication and an ever-present, hefty price-tag, this led me to a realisation. All of this time and money was spent on a masochistic love of hi-score chasing, as opposed to learning anything useful about the increasingly dead state of my beloved grey box. I mean, buying magazines that cover PSone games, in 2004?! Pah, pull the other one.
And erm, two? Little does he know, but my retrotastic colleague isn’t the only one who remembers Jazza Rignall. He was my God, once (R.I.P. Mean Machines). Ahem, and so without further ado, the challenge…
Although he would unlikely admit it, Tom is quite the young whippersnapper when it comes to gaming. A child of the nineties he fully missed out on the Commodore 64 and everything associated with it, convinced that gaming only begun with the advent of the Mega Drive and SNES (I’m the evolutionary theorist to his barmy creationist). This includes Zzap64 - a legendary gaming magazine which featured a Domestos drinking, bio-mechanical alien called the Scorelord who frequently took pleasure in electrocuting the gonads of the simpleton staff writers for chuckles. Other than being permanently menacing to those in the surrounding Ludlow environment (and a short stint actually reviewing games) he was caretaker of the magazine's high score table and the Zzap Challenge. The Challenge was a feature that involved wiping the smug inane grins off the faces of Julian Rignall (yes, that Julian Rignall) and Robin Hogg by having readers challenge them in mortal combat via the medium of the joystick. If the reader somehow managed to defeat the magazines wily gamer staff they would leave with exalted salutations and a stack load of Newsfield freebies. Lose, and they would be ridiculed by the Scorelord in the next issue. He might also shave off their eyebrows for their failure. It was a bit like the stuff on GamesMaster, just less shit.
So, in a nod to features of old (not to mention the wholesale pillaging of an idea) The Pixel Empire has decided a revival of the Challenge would be a welcome addition to the site. The first duel would take place in-house between Tom Clare, editor-in-chief and slave driver of the Empire, and underpaid staff-writer and former male model Alan Passingham on the recent PS3 release of MotorStorm RC. The contest – which one of them can charge around three laps of the Lane Changer scenario in the fastest time. Victory for Tom would further assert his authority as Da Boss; defeat for me and licking the toilet bowl clean with my tongue would become just another menial task added to my ever-increasing workload. The challenge was set. Game time.
Tom:
Although he would unlikely admit it, Alan did a really poor job of cleaning the Pixel Toilet last time it was his turn (which is every time) and thus, a challenge was really the only way to put my underling in his rightful place. Admittedly, my infantile gaming knowledge did chiefly begin with a Mega Drive, but no matter! Al didn’t bank on two things.
One, the better part of my youth was spent thrashing lovingly outdated (and it must be said, mostly mediocre) PSone demos for the sake of beating scores in the latter days of the increasingly-bananas Official UK PlayStation Magazine. Admittedly, no Domestos was ever consumed and only some of the writers looked like they’d been subjected to a probing, but in an era where each month was greeted to a shrinking publication and an ever-present, hefty price-tag, this led me to a realisation. All of this time and money was spent on a masochistic love of hi-score chasing, as opposed to learning anything useful about the increasingly dead state of my beloved grey box. I mean, buying magazines that cover PSone games, in 2004?! Pah, pull the other one.
And erm, two? Little does he know, but my retrotastic colleague isn’t the only one who remembers Jazza Rignall. He was my God, once (R.I.P. Mean Machines). Ahem, and so without further ado, the challenge…
The Challenge:Tom:
Devilishly simple. I tasked Alan with hulking his gimp-liveried Monster Truck around the three lap “Lane Changer” event in a time faster than 59.178 seconds which, for those of you too stupid to navigate menus, is the first event in the Apocalypse section. There were no specific rules, as all models of Monster Truck were permitted. This challenge is all about risk and reward; the vehicles in “Lane Changer” aren’t the fastest, but require committed cornering and smooth lines to get the best times. |
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Scaling the dizzy heights of #126 on the leaderboard when the time was set (the 125 above me all blatant cheats, obviously), I’m confident this will prove a teeth-clenching challenge of epic proportions. Defeat for me and with it the sad, crushing realisation that I can’t reasonably claim to be the best PS3 gamer on my own review site. But if all goes well, Al will hate my ghost for all eternity. The toilet bowl looms…
The Challenger:
Alan:
I soon regretted my first words of ‘easy’ once Tom had thrown down the gauntlet. A placement of 174th (how the mighty have fallen) in a time of 59.178 seconds sounded no better than expected from an erudite gibbon bashing away at a joypad. So, I snuggled back into my sofa, set my controller to ‘obliterate’ and looked forward to dancing on the remains of Tom’s PS3...
…One minute 10 seconds…
That’s not right. I managed to get round the track almost perfectly. Well, almost perfectly if you consider the widest possible cornering and several prangs into the side-wall barriers to be perfect. Second go…
…One minute 12 seconds.
B*llocks.
Tom had obviously been practicing. Looks like ‘Lane Changer’ was going to require a fair old session of gaming to crack. I recalibrated the controller setting to humility and got on with it.
I soon regretted my first words of ‘easy’ once Tom had thrown down the gauntlet. A placement of 174th (how the mighty have fallen) in a time of 59.178 seconds sounded no better than expected from an erudite gibbon bashing away at a joypad. So, I snuggled back into my sofa, set my controller to ‘obliterate’ and looked forward to dancing on the remains of Tom’s PS3...
…One minute 10 seconds…
That’s not right. I managed to get round the track almost perfectly. Well, almost perfectly if you consider the widest possible cornering and several prangs into the side-wall barriers to be perfect. Second go…
…One minute 12 seconds.
B*llocks.
Tom had obviously been practicing. Looks like ‘Lane Changer’ was going to require a fair old session of gaming to crack. I recalibrated the controller setting to humility and got on with it.
KEY MOMENTS:
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The Start - navigating the slow-pokes and the bumpy first sweep
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The Hairpin - cutting it is imperative, sharp cornering can save lots of time
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The Jump - too wide, you lose time. Too tight, you risk missing the jump
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As Tom notes, this track is all about committed cornering and smooth lines. Hit the side-wall more than once and you can kiss a top time goodbye. Yet there are also other aspects you need to develop for the perfect lap. The start for instance, requires a clever swerve between the two vehicles on pole to start building momentum. Fail to do so and you could be stuck behind them for eternity losing already precious milliseconds. The last two corners also present a fair old challenge to get right. A really tight hairpin needs some expert braking and acceleration to maintain momentum and this is followed by a jump across the lower half of the course into a corner which I’ve still yet too perfect. Go too straight and you take the corner far too wide. Turn too soon to cut the angle of the corner and you’re dicing with the potential of failing to make the jump, falling back to the lower part of the course instead, punishment enough for your cack-handedness.
Still, with this knowledge in hand I began to reel in Tom’s time. One minute 10 seconds quickly became one minute five, which soon enough became one minute two seconds. Still three seconds off though. But with every turn the lines taken were being refined and made smoother. Tom’s ghost was no longer making me eat dirt; I could now almost smell his exhaust fumes. The problem remained, however, that whilst I was making the occasional perfect lap I couldn’t keep it up (Fnarr!) for three consecutive perfect laps. That damn jump! And then it happened. I started to pull ahead of Tom’s ghost around the track. Leading from the start, gliding round corners and making it look easy. For two whole laps, Tom’s ghost was staring into oblivion. The final corner approached – the big leap across the ravine - with Tom just behind me. Could I handle the pressure of the situation? Would I be victorious?
Still, with this knowledge in hand I began to reel in Tom’s time. One minute 10 seconds quickly became one minute five, which soon enough became one minute two seconds. Still three seconds off though. But with every turn the lines taken were being refined and made smoother. Tom’s ghost was no longer making me eat dirt; I could now almost smell his exhaust fumes. The problem remained, however, that whilst I was making the occasional perfect lap I couldn’t keep it up (Fnarr!) for three consecutive perfect laps. That damn jump! And then it happened. I started to pull ahead of Tom’s ghost around the track. Leading from the start, gliding round corners and making it look easy. For two whole laps, Tom’s ghost was staring into oblivion. The final corner approached – the big leap across the ravine - with Tom just behind me. Could I handle the pressure of the situation? Would I be victorious?
F*ck no! On the approach, I turned left too sharply and agonisingly ballsed-up the jump, pranging into the sidewall. Tom’s ghost laughed hysterically as it passed by on route to the finish line with my truck falling back to the lower part of the course below. I slumped off the sofa to my knees and wailed. Six hours of hardcore play and I still had not eclipsed Tom’s time. Gah! The wife heard my whimpering and brought in a cup of tea and a biscuit for my efforts. She also gave me a pat on the head, rubbing salt into the still fresh wounds. If she had gone on to say ‘It’s not the winning it’s the taking part’ I would have thrown myself out the window. Instead I was left to contemplate my failure as both a gamer and a human being.
So close on a few occasions, but Tom had managed to keep ahead - Lane Changer’s jump the margin of victory. A best time of 59.492 seconds and 248th place on the leaderboard (as of 8th November 2012) was the best I could muster. Not bad considering; the minute barrier was broken, the difference between Tom and I was only under three tenths of a second and MotorStorm RC has subsequently become the third game I’ve platinumed. However, despite these acknowledgements I remain defeated. In common with the Zzap64! challenges of old, little has changed. There will still be some Domestos drinking done tonight, if only to wash my mouth out after I’ve got the toilet gleaming…
So close on a few occasions, but Tom had managed to keep ahead - Lane Changer’s jump the margin of victory. A best time of 59.492 seconds and 248th place on the leaderboard (as of 8th November 2012) was the best I could muster. Not bad considering; the minute barrier was broken, the difference between Tom and I was only under three tenths of a second and MotorStorm RC has subsequently become the third game I’ve platinumed. However, despite these acknowledgements I remain defeated. In common with the Zzap64! challenges of old, little has changed. There will still be some Domestos drinking done tonight, if only to wash my mouth out after I’ve got the toilet gleaming…
The Outcome:
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The Final Word:
Tom:
I have a bleach hamper already on its way to my marvellous toilet cleaner (and alleged gamer) as I write this. Al can consider it his Christmas present from Pixel HQ. See: we look after our slav- ahem, staff, at the Empire. It’s lemon, by the way. I hope he likes the taste of it…
Hopefully, this will mark the first of many Pixel Duels. Al gave it a damned good shot, and our times were separated by barely the blink of an eye over a three-lap event. The close nature of the result means that, with 10,000 points going to the victor (moi, in case you didn’t know), Al’s only 53 Pixel Points in arrears. Whatever that means. The battle of the Empire has well and truly begun…
I have a bleach hamper already on its way to my marvellous toilet cleaner (and alleged gamer) as I write this. Al can consider it his Christmas present from Pixel HQ. See: we look after our slav- ahem, staff, at the Empire. It’s lemon, by the way. I hope he likes the taste of it…
Hopefully, this will mark the first of many Pixel Duels. Al gave it a damned good shot, and our times were separated by barely the blink of an eye over a three-lap event. The close nature of the result means that, with 10,000 points going to the victor (moi, in case you didn’t know), Al’s only 53 Pixel Points in arrears. Whatever that means. The battle of the Empire has well and truly begun…